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Got Joke?

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DrayeArt
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Got Joke?

Postby DrayeArt » Mon Aug 13, 2007 9:29 pm

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant
one afternoon and asked
the
waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked
across the restaurant
and
asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The
waitress nodded "yes," so
the
Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on
him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a
hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and
asked the Waitress for
a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the
restaurant and asked, "Is
that
Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the
Englishman said to give
Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches.
He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,
"Hey there, sweet thang.

How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He,
too , looked acr oss
the
restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over
there?" The waitress once
more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a
cold glass of Coke, "On
my
bill."
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the
Irishman, touched him and
said,
"For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishm an
felt the strength
come
back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out
the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him
and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his
back straig htening
up,
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a
series of back flips
out
the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I 'm drawin' disability."
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DrayeArt
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Postby DrayeArt » Sat Aug 18, 2007 9:40 am

The Great Mancini, a magician, gets a gig on a cruise ship. Weeks go by, and he does the same act over and over, because there's always a different audience. The captain's parrot watches the act every day, and finally figures out how Mancini does his tricks. During his show, the bird calls out "the flowers are under the table" "all the cards are aces of spades" etc. The magician is furious, but there's nothing he can do, because the bird belongs to the captain. One day, there's an accident, and the ship sinks. The magician finds himself clinging to a piece of wood, with his enemy, the parrot. The parrot looks at him for a few moments, and says "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?" How do you tell the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo. Northern zoos have signs with the name of the animal and the species. Southern zoos have the name of the animal and the recipe. A waiter walks up to 4 Jewish women eating lunch and asks "Is anything all right?" Where do one-legged people go to eat? IHOP George Bush goes to a restaurant, and says to the waitress "Give me a quikie" The waitress gets all upset, and tells him that's innapropriate, and storms off in a huff. One of Bush's aides leans over and whispers "Sir, that's pronounced KEESH".
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andy tetlow
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Postby andy tetlow » Sat Aug 18, 2007 10:47 am

a duck walks into a chippy and asks" hiya mate, have you any grapes?"
guy behind the counter replies" no. sorry we're a chippy, we sell fish and chips"
"ok" the duck says and walks out.
ten minutes later the duck comes back and asks the guy the same question, the guy replies" no, we're a chippy, we dont sell grapes, now piss off."
"ok sorry," the duck says and walks out.
ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the guy the same question again. the guy is mad now and tells the duck " listen you little shit, we dont sell grapes, we are a chippy, we sell fish and chips. if you ask me that in here again, i will nail your fucking webbed feet to the floor, now piss off.
ten minutes later the duck returns" hiya mate! have you any nails?"
the guy replies"NO!"
duck says" oh good, do you have any grapes?"
andy tetlow
"I would walk a hundred miles to punch a camel on the nose" -Pedro Gonzalez, cousin of Speedy

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DrayeArt
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Postby DrayeArt » Sat Aug 18, 2007 10:50 am

A guy sits down by the front of the bus, and an older woman sits down next to him. The bus starts going down the road, when the driver grabs his throat and starts choking. The woman bursts into tears, composes herself and hits the driver with her purse. The driver pulls up to a stop and the woman starts walking to the door, when again, the driver starts grabbing his throat and choking. Again, she starts cying, pulls herself together, and hits the driver with her purse, before leaving. The guy gets curious, and leans over to the driver and says "What was that all about?" The driver says " Oh, she's a regular on my route, and her daughter hanged herself yesterday."
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Gary Dee
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Postby Gary Dee » Sat Aug 18, 2007 1:22 pm

A young 'Yuppie' with laptop in hand, boards a plane and his seat is beside this Old cowboy, probably in his 60's. He thinks he'll just have some fun with the old timer and said, "How about some conversation, makes the trip seem shorter." Then he said, "lets talk about nuclear proliferation". The old timer said,"let me ask you one question first." A deer, cow and a horse eat the same thing, grass, yet the deer puts out little small turds, like pellets. A cow puts out big round runny patties, and a horse round dry patties. Why do ya suppose that is?" The yuppie said, "I have no idea."
The old timer said, "Well how ya gonna talk nuclear proliferation if ya Don't Know Shit?"
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"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" *John Lennon*
Life is not about surviving the storm...its learning to dance in the rain.
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DrayeArt
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Postby DrayeArt » Sat Aug 18, 2007 4:04 pm

A man with one leg and a bald head gets invited to a Halloween party, but is embarassed by his shortcomings. He sends a letter to a costume company, asking if they can rectify the dilemma. A week later, he gets a big box in the mail, which contains a pirate costume and a note. The note reads : "The bandanna will hide your baldness, and your wooden leg will look like part of the costume." He becomes incensed, and sends off a letter that reads "I can't believe you would be so insensitive as to make fun of my problems." A week later, another big box shows up. Inside it is a monk's outfit and a note that reads "The Friar's robe will hide your leg, and your bald head will look like part of the costume." Again he get's pissed and sends off another letter. Another week goes by and a small box arrives, containing a jar of mollasses and a note. The note reads "Pour this over your head, stick your leg up your arse, and go as a candy apple!"
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DrayeArt
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Postby DrayeArt » Sun Aug 19, 2007 6:00 am

A Jewish gentleman was having a beer in a bar where he was well known when a Chinese gentleman came in. The Chinese man took a place at the bar next to the Jewish man and ordered a beer. As the Chinese man sipped his beer he noticed that the Jewish man kept glaring at him. Finally the Jewish man got off of his barstool, cocked his fist back and punched the Chinese gentleman as hard as he could! The poor Chinese man was knocked off of his barstool, beer flying. The barman rushed over to quell the disturbance, pouring the Chinese man another beer and warning the Jewish man, "Mr. Goldberg, PLEASE not in here!". As the Chinese man got to his feet and straightened himself out, in consternation he asked the Jewish man, "What was THAT for?!".
As he took his seat the Jewish man growled, "THAT was for Pearl Harbor".
"Pearl Harbor?!!"...exclaimed the Chinese man, "Pearl Harbor was the Japanese; I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese, Japanese; same difference" snorted the Jewish man.
The two men went back to their beers, but eventually the Jewish man noticed that the Chinese man kept stealing sidelong glares at him. Finally the Chinese man got up off his barstool and lashed out with a lightning fast blow that sent the poor Jewish man flying off of his stool and onto the floor. As the barman again rushed over the Jewish man picked up his yarmulke and asked with some heat,"What was THAT for?!!!"
"THAT" said the Chinese man with great dignity, "was for the Titanic."
"The Titanic?! That was an Iceberg!" cried the Jewish man indignantly.
The Chinese man with dignity intoned,"Iceberg, Goldberg; same difference!".
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bloodjelly
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Postby bloodjelly » Sun Aug 19, 2007 12:57 pm

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he'd be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she's really going to have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," says the old man, "But its startin' to twitch."
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DrayeArt
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Postby DrayeArt » Sun Aug 19, 2007 1:46 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: A guy is eating his dinner, when his glass eye pops out into his soup. Without noticing, he eats it. He ends up constipated for 2 days, and decides to go to a proctologist. The doctor has him remove his pants and bend over. He spreads the guys cheeks and sees an eye looking at him. He leans over to the guy and says "First things first, you're going to have to trust me more." George Bush announces to the press plans for a nuclear strike on Iraq. "We plan to exterminate 40 million Iraqis and one large breasted blonde woman." A reporter raises his hand and asks "But, sir, why the blonde woman?" Bush nudges one of his aides and says "See, I told you nobody would care about the Iraqis."
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Carson Collins
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Postby Carson Collins » Sun Aug 19, 2007 6:18 pm

Q: What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?

A: Lies awake all night wondering if there really is a DOG.

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